The Gospel saved my life

 This is the story of how the gospel saved me.  I learned some important lessons of how God works with His children.  I hope this story might be able to give others hope. This is a story about depression. There are many resources available now to help with this disease, and people should seek those out if they are going through this.

It happened quite a few years ago when I was in 9th grade.  I was a quiet boy and was going to Churchill Junior High.  I had previously been at Albion Middle School and had not had a great experience, so I had transferred to Churchill to start at a new school.  I decided to take choir, computer programming, Honors biology and the other standard classes.  The year began with hope, but I didn't end up making many friends.  The only people that would hang out with me were a couple of kids that liked to sit in the library and poke fun at life.  They weren't the best influence, but they didn't judge me and I didn't judge them.  Eventually we drifted apart as they didn't really seem to mind failing classes while I did actually complete my homework and generally got good grades.  I suppose it was mostly habit for me by this time.  And of course my parents asking me about homework all the time.

After going through the first half of the year and running into some difficulty in my social studies class and still having no friends I started into a time of depression.  Things became harder and harder to care about.  I didn't really talk to the kids in church as they all went to Albion, and I didn't know how to talk to the kids at school.  I never really showed much emotion as I found out later that I have autism.  At the time I didn't really know how to fit in with people.

Eventually the pain set in.  I kept following my routine, but I hurt constantly.  It wasn't anything specific, but just my chest mostly.  Nothing really felt good anymore.  I started to get the idea that it would be so much easier to just end my life.

I tried to get some help by talking to the kids at school.  I tried to talk to a couple that seemed popular and decent people that I felt really depressed and wanted to kill myself.  They looked at me with wide eyes for a minute and mumbled something under their breath that sounded like they just didn't know what to do with that information.  Nothing happened from that.

I don't really remember telling my parents about it.  I may have told them I didn't feel good, but I wasn't really sick so they would send me to school.  I didn't think that they would be able to help me.  I knew that they loved me, and if that didn't help, then what else could they do? (This was foolishness on my part. Now there are many more resources for parents, and kids should talk to their parents if they have these thoughts.) I didn't really have anyone else that I trusted.

Of course I prayed for relief.  Constantly.  It didn't really seem to help much.  Why couldn't I find any relief?  

I wanted to kill myself to get the relief that I craved, but one thought kept coming back to me.  I knew that murder was the worst sin, and killing yourself was still a form of murder.  I had heard that if you kill yourself you can never have forgiveness.  Even though I don't currently believe that this is exactly true, it is what I thought at the time.  I worried that if I killed myself I could feel this pain for eternity, and I couldn't bear that thought.

Even though I worried that the pain would continue, I also kept having the thought that the pain wouldn't continue if I ended things.  I finally came to a crossroads of decision.

I prayed and asked again for relief.  I promised God that I would not kill myself, no matter how long this continued or how bad it got.  I promised that I would trust him.

Soon afterwards, things got worse.  The end of the year was approaching, and in my computer science class we had a project that was due.  My partner didn't do a lot to help, he mostly spent his time over with other kids.  He tended to call me Bob instead of my real name.

As soon as I finished the project and turned it in, he told me that I was an idiot and that he was just using me to complete the project.  He said that he hated me and was glad that he wouldn't have to pretend to be nice to me anymore.  

After this encounter I felt even worse.  The pain was worse than even. I prayed again and promised that I would still trust God to help me in his own time.

My next class was seminary.  The seminary building was separate and required a 5 minute walk across the school field.  As I trudged across the field a girl came up and started talking to me.  This had never happened before.  For five minutes my load was lightened.  I actually felt a bit better.  There actually were nice people in the world.  

I looked for her again the next day, and we spoke again. We would talk every day before seminary, and I looked forward to that time more than anything.  She was an angel in my life.

The pain still remained with me most of the time.  But I finally felt hope now.  I finally felt that God was listening.  I prayed for relief and tried to be the best person that I could muster, which was mostly just following my routine of going to school and going home. Going to church on Sunday.  Probably playing video games on Saturday.

In my deacon's quorum at church they decided to change the presidency.  I was asked to be the second counselor in the presidency of the 12-14 year old group.  I of course agreed.

When the day came to be set apart and blessed it felt like any other Sunday.  I still felt the constant pain and sadness inside of me.  This Sunday I was to be set apart for my new calling and given a blessing.  Brother Johnson was the man assigned to put his hands on my head and bless me.  I don't remember much of his blessing for me except for one sentence.  As he was blessing me he told me "God loves you."  We are told this all of the time by our teachers and leaders and in the scriptures.  But this time it was different.  This time when he said that phrase my whole body was filled with light.  I knew that it was true.  This knowledge immediately banished the pain and sadness.  

I could feel joy again!  I knew that God listened to my prayers.  I have never fallen into such a depression again.  I later studied the brain and how depression affects it and can only ascribe this to a miracle.  There is no scientific evidence that depression can be ended like that.  Depression takes months and years to overcome with medication and counseling.  My depression was ended in an instant.  It didn't come without difficulty and struggle, but it did come.

 I learned that to gain a blessing from God we have to accept His timeline.  We have to be patient and trust.  I learned that he will let circumstances push us to our breaking point, but that is where he will catch us as long as we continue to trust in Him.  I learned that He loves His children.  We are here on Earth to learn and grow, and it is hard for us to do that without trials.  But He doesn't leave us alone, there is always hope.

What is Asperger's Syndrome?

This is a question that I have been thinking about for a long time. I've told people that I have Asperger's and they ask me what that is, and I have been at a loss as to what I should say. According to doctors it is a "disorder" that affects the ability to learn basic skills, especially social skills. It is true that there are social difficulties, but we also have strengths that others don't.

But what makes me different from those considered Neuro-Typical (NT)? It isn't that we don't have the same innate tendencies that allow other people to learn these things. It isn't that our brains don't have the same capacity to pick up on the stimuli. The difference is much simpler than that. My first clue as to the true nature came with watching the movie Temple Grandin about a woman with Autism. I realized that she thinks exactly like I do, except that it is more extreme for her and harder to control. I realized that what I really have is Autism. They differentiate between Asperger's and Autism, and many people would disagree with me, but they are just different levels of the same thing. The thing that really stuck out to me was that she explained that she thinks in still pictures. I knew that this was somehow important.

Now it isn't true that we all think necessarily in pictures. I sometimes think in feelings. Others may think in music or words or something like that. I know that I have thought in all of those things. It is easier to understand with pictures, however, so that is what I will explain. NT's see things more as a movie, able to continuously view everything happening, and switching processing between all the different stimuli. They take all this in and process it together and remember the things important to them. People with Autism can only process one thing at a time. Not only one thing, but one frame of the movie at a time. We don't see all of the things at once, only the thing we are currently focused on. We also miss quite a bit of the movement as we might only get one frame per second, instead of thirty to sixty that a movie would normally have. That thought has to repeat in our heads a few times so that we can process it. It makes it so we have very good rote memories. We remember those things as we keep the neurons firing for longer. But we either miss the other stimuli, or it overwhelms us. The real problem here seems to be switching between stimuli. We can't switch fast enough to process different things.

Actually, we can switch quickly between things, but no useful processing happens. We just get frustrated and are unable to make sense of things. This may lead to outbursts of anger, or we may totally withdraw and be almost unable to speak. Many times we have no idea why we feel this way, as the emotion just adds another stimulus to deal with. It tends to engulf us. Sometimes neutral stimuli can help, like spinning. You can't focus much on other things when you are really dizzy. It helps to gain focus back again and leave behind the confusing raucous that is life.

NT's seem to be able to switch fast enough between different things to process them all enough to make quick decisions based on a lot of little things. This can lead to quick judgments and the ability to understand and emulate normal social behavior. That's not to say we can't also make decision based on a lot of things, however we usually take longer to ponder all the consequences. This can be a good thing, as I think we tend to make fairly well informed decisions. However it can make us look uncaring in an emergency, or unable to cope with stresses that we aren't prepared for. We may tend to freeze up in certain circumstances, or behave completely inappropriately.

An example with faces. Humans by nature recognize faces, they focus on faces. They see tiny differences. People can naturally tell when a face is computer generated. People with Autism naturally see all these facial differences as well. In the context of live communication this is overwhelming. We can't process everything at once. It makes it difficult to look someone in the face. We can over long periods of time learn to ignore other things than what is being said, but we then tend to miss all the non verbal ques as we have learned to ignore the innate ability to understand this non verbal communication. With practice, we can learn to understand more over time as well. This only happens when it no longer takes processing, but becomes habit, like walking or breathing. I don't need to focus on walking on a flat surface, or eating, and can turn my processing power to something else. The problem is that since the natural instinct has been ignored for so long it must be actively cultivated, and we don't really know where to start, or why we act different. We need to learn the basics that others take for granted.

Over time we learn to cope with this difficulty as we have very good memories and can plan ahead. I am able to have fairly normal conversations because I have snippets saved over the many years of how to respond to a certain type of comment. If I run into something new I usually end up pausing for longer than normal and have been called on it. Most people have no idea that I have Asperger's. When I tell them that I am an aspie, I have been told that they would never have expected that. I have also heard that people see how that makes sense, and that was why I was a little strange.

Asperger's is something that makes me who I am. Without it I may have just been an average person. Would that have been a bad thing? I don't know. I probably would never have been a programmer, because I wouldn't have had the single focus necessary to learn the basics. As it is, I am usually considered fairly intelligent. I am very good at solving problems at work, especially computer related. I can take the time to focus on something until I find the solution. I have a full time job, a wife and four children. I have weaknesses as well, but so does everyone. Without my struggles I wouldn't have found some of my strengths. We all need a little weakness to learn humility. I think my life has turned out beautifully, and I'm not sure that I would change anything.

Surprises

Today has been a day of surprises, and I don't like surprises. Of course it usually could be okay if they are good surprises, I can get over it quickly (my wife might not think so.) Today things didn't go as planned. One thing about aspies is that we like things to go as we saw them in our head, or at least I do. Today, as I am about getting ready to go home, my wife tells me that our basement flooded. I get an image of water flooding up through the drain, and having to do some major repairs. That wasn't the problem though. My brother had stayed at our house a few months back, and left most of his stuff here. We weren't using that extra room, and he doesn't have anywhere to put it right now. He had left a small fridge behind, that had been basically cleaned out, but when my wife moved the fridge, some kind of liquid came spilling out the bottom and soaked the carpet in that spare bedroom.

My wife had grown quite tired of all of the stuff in the basement, and it seems this is the last straw, so she loads everything up in the van, and throws the fridge out on the lawn. I get home at about 6:30, and I am given the ultimatum to get rid of the stuff in the van, or it is going to the dump in the morning. I was shocked. I thought I was helping my brother by just holding his stuff in a room that we didn't even use. My carpet was soaked and mildewing.

My mother had indicated that she could take this stuff off of my hands, so I called her up, and find that she is having a shower for my sister's brother-in-law's finance, which won't be over until 9pm. Ok, well, I have an Elder's quorum meeting that will last until 9pm, so I'll deal with this all later.

When I come home a little after nine, I call my mother up again, and try to explain what has happened, and she tells me I am going to have to help her find a place to store this stuff, because she isn't ready for it. I had thought she had plenty of space.

Well, that is about enough for me, so I start yelling and flailing around about the position that I'm in now, that I have to take this stuff to my parents house with no notice, and why didn't my wife call me sooner to tell me about the catastrophe. She tells me the phone was dead, and that I should have taken that stuff out months ago. I can never win an argument with my wife.

She actually handled it all pretty well. I remember when we were first married, and if I got excited at all, she started crying because she thought I was yelling at her. I tried to calm down a bit, give her a hug and tried to put a positive spin on it in my head, but she kept saying defensive things until I left to go visit my parents, which I of course have to respond to.

My family was pleasant, and I did have one good surprise, there were brownies. My mom and sisters were all there, and they helped unload the van, which generally helped improve my mood about things. Along with the brownies and cookies.

When I get home, I find that also during the day my wife has taken out the garbage and mowed the lawn for me, which are also surprises that I find hard to accept. But I am trying to figure out how to deal with things a bit better, and realize that my discomfort is all in my head. I thank my wonderful wife for trying to take care of things around the house, and she seems to handle things all pretty well with my aspergers, now that she knows about it.

Dreams of Defeating the Empire

What do dreams mean? I had an interesting dream last night, that might make a cool movie or video game.

I had just joined the rebellion against the empire, and I was given leadership responsibilities right away. The reason that I was so important was that I was a Porter. Not very many people can be Porters. It is something in the very make up of DNA that determines if you can use the ancient portal system.

I had Fred to help out on this first reconnaissance mission, and he had a lot of experience in the rebellion, and always had good advice as to what our next move should be. He was an older gentleman, but still seemed fairly spry.

The rebellion had heard of other supporters in another region of the system, and so we made our way to my "Home Base." I had played around in the old bunker when I was younger, and I had always been told to stay out of the stone cube in the center. I had thought that I couldn't get inside anyway, because of the force fields covering the openings. But a few weeks ago I had found that my genetic code would open those fields, and activate the transporter.

We were near the edge of the desert, and there were large black rocks protruding from the fine sand. The stairs were invisible until we were right in front of them, but I knew exactly where they were. We walked down the stairs into the dimly lit room. Technology was all around the edges, but no one knew how to operate most of it. In the center was a stone cube, with holes on three sides. I could stand up inside of it, by stooping just a little, so it was almost a room inside.

Fred came up beside me, and I checked my pocket. I still had the stone. I moved to the fourth wall of the cube, the one without a hole, and placed my hand on the circular pattern on it. The room begain to spin momentarily, and we were in a different cube. This one was in the middle of a forest. We got out and looked around.

Everything seemed peaceful, so it seemed the empire hadn't discovered this transporter yet, but we proceeded cautiously anyway. When we moved past a particular bush, a woman jumped out from behind it with a gun in hand.

"What makes the sky blue?" she asked.

"The tears of the innocent." was Fred's reply.

She lowered her weapon and said, "You must be the ones I've been waiting for. You're late."

I turned around and got a better look at her. She was a short and slightly plump woman with red hair and a fairly jolly expression. "I'm not late, you must have just showed up early." I told her.

I got back into the cube and touched the square pattern on the wall, and suddenly we were in a confined space in an alley. We jumped out and headed into the street. There were people everywhere, and somewhere there was another contact. I noticed a woman head into the alleyway that we had come out of, and when I could see straight in, I could tell that she was gone, and had used the transporter. If I could find where she went, maybe she would join the rebellion.

We didn't seem to be having any luck finding another contact, and Fred suggested we return another time.

We all got back into the transporter, and thinking of going home, I touched the triangular pattern that was on the wall. In an instant we were back under the desert.

We heard something outside, which wasn't good, because not much lived out here. Fred and Jessie went out the back way, and I headed up the front stairs. What greeted me was a horrible sight. A whole regimen of the empire's men with guns stood around the opening. I recognized the one that seemed to be in charge as a Porter, the one that was helping the empire to move around.

"We finally found you. I was hoping that you would join us without too much trouble. However a little bit of trouble might be fun, eh?" He threw something at me that caused an explosion, and I went tumbling down the stairs.

Luckily, I didn't seem to be hurt. I didn't have much time, I needed to jump into the transporter before they came down after me. I hoped that Fred and Jessie hadn't been caught. If they hadn't been seen, the empire would probably try to follow me, and I could try to find them again later. I jumped into the small cube and touched the wall, thinking to return to the jungle, which had plenty of cover to hide in.

After the flash of light, what met my eyes was an endless desert surrounding me. This was right in the middle of the desert, not at the edge where I had been, and I could see nothing for miles around but sand.

This can't be right, I'm not supposed to be here. I reached for my pocket, and found my stone missing. Fear gripped me. My DNA may be able to activate the transporters, but without the stone, I would not be able to control where it sent me. I could be sent to a non-functional transporter, or right into the center of an empire base.

I had no choice, I may be hundreds of miles from any civilization or water, so I had to use the transporter again. I slowly placed my hand on the engraving of a flower on the wall, and waited as the light flashed for a moment.

All around me I heard shouting, and the firing of shots, I ducked and tried to look around. This transporter had its force shields up, but that wasn't stopping the empire troops from firing at me, and trying to find a weakness where they could get the shots through. I couldn't stay here, so again I touched the wall, this time on a group of squiggly lines.

After the jump I found myself facing a wall with four squares, with concentric circles around where the squares met. One of the squares seemed to be set back from the others, crumbling from abuse.

Laser blasts shot past my head, and I realized that I was in another camp of the empire, but this transporter didn't seem to have any force shields left. I put my hand on the wall, but nothing happened!

The squares need to be realigned, so I pulled on the square that had been pushed back, so that it was flush with the others, with laser fire all around me. I pressed my hand and was engulfed in a blinding light.

When I could see again, I found myself inside of the cube at the front of the university. A woman was lying on the floor of the cube. "What are you doing here?" she asked indignantly.

Not really listening to her, I said to myself, "I'm back at the university."

"Are you a student too?" She asked.

"I was, but I've graduated now." I said as I hopped out of the stone cube.

She followed me, and I noticed that it was the woman from the city who has used the transporter. "I could use some help." I said.

"Are you loyal to the school?" she asked.

I replied, "Forever and to the last man."

"Come with me." she said.


And that is where the dream ended, with the alarm going off. Does this dream mean anything? Should I do something with this story? Should I just forget it? I took a class on dreams in college, so maybe I'll try to make sense of this in another post.

Best. Anniversary. Ever.

Nothing is perfect, but my anniversary this week came about as close as you get in this life.  Sure there were some tense moments... how to give her the new ring?  Would she be able to eat any of the food at the fancy restaurants?  Would I be able to stand taking all the pictures!?

To make things a bit easier, we split up the time, she would take the morning/early afternoon, and I would plan the evenings.  Ok, so I didn't really plan much myself, because she can't eat certain things and had to approve the menu and hotel room choice, but at least I made the reservations, and came up with the options.

She was really surprised to get the ring, there were tears in her eyes at the restaurant.  I had been told the ring wouldn't come for another month, but a small miracle occurred, and with a little prodding they got me the ring early!  This was a surprise even I had trouble messing up, since she knew I am not good at lying, and wouldn't make up a story just to surprise her.  When she saw the box she thought that maybe I had given her some chocolate or earrings.  When she opened the box she asked, "Is this a fake ring?"  No, it is the real thing.

I suppose one piece of advise for making a nice trip away with your wife is simple:  Have a good attitude.  I usually tend to complain while taking a lot of pictures, but this time I thought to myself that if I stay happy while she takes pictures, she will be happy too.  And if she is happy, then after the pictures are over, we will have a more enjoyable time together.  It's like a positive feedback loop.  We both tried to take into account the others feelings, neither of us were trying to be selfish, and we both had a great time, without arguments or lots of apologies over hurt feelings.

I have Aspergers (probably)

I haven't been diagnosed by a doctor officially, but my wife told a doctor about how I act, and he said he thought that I have it. Also I took an online test, and since it is on the internet, it must be true (sarcasm).  The facts do seem to fit me, so I admit that I probably have it.

At first I was afraid of the diagnosis.  Probably mostly because I don't like change.  I had never thought that I would have something like aspergers.  The words seemed like a disability to me.  I didn't feel like I had any problems learning anything.  But I really do, and aspergers has it benefits too.   I also realize that it helps me to feel better about my being a social outcast all through life. There is a reason I could never talk to anyone properly.  

When I was younger, I almost always answered "I don't know" to any question, because I could never spit out the answer fast enough for people.  It takes time to sort through things, and sometimes, if I felt it was important, I would answer the question later.  I think it was just a 

coping mechanism.  I knew the answer to most questions, but I just couldn't get people the answer so that I was satisfied, and it was in time.  I have learned to give answers more quickly, even though I end up changing them 10 seconds later as more information comes to mind.  Usually I can get the right answer the first time, so it usually works out all right.

Many asperger traits seem to fit me, although some of my traits are different from many others, at least that is what it seems from reading other blogs. Most aspies tend not to look people in the eyes, although I don't think that I have a problem with that. I don't really care to look at people or not, but I heard that you should mostly look at people but not stare, so I try to look people in the eye, but also look around some as well.  Also, I don't really care much for small talk, which is normal for aspies, but I don't feel horrified by the "how are you" question, like others seem to be. I usually just say fine, or try to quickly come up with an interesting event while I ask how their day is.  Many times they really don't care to hear that much about you anyway, and 

are content to talk about their own day, or say fine and go about their business as well.

I don't seem to notice all the things around people and remember them as well as it seems that other aspies do, at least from reading other blogs, so my memory may not be quite as good as other aspies, but I don't seem to have quite as many seemingly negative experiences either.  Most people don't think that I am that strange... they don't think I'm totally normal, but then I don't know if anyone really is.  Of course I am strange enough that I usually didn't have many friends.

Most people have probably seen Jerry on boston legal (if you haven't seen that show, then you should try it) but something is maybe a bit over the top about it. He doesn't really have Aspergers, but he does a good job. Though, Comparing him to Dustin Hoffman as rain man, it is missing something to make him totally believable, or maybe he adds too much.  He did recieve an Emmy for his performance, so normal people seem to think that he did a good job of portraying an aspie...

All in all, I don't think that it should change much with my interaction with others, but with my family it is making a difference.  Becca now understands why I am so stubborn, why I hate surprises, why I get sidetracked so easily, and it isn't because I am don't love her.  I still believe I can overcome these things eventually, and knowing why I do those things will help me to overcome them, but it takes time for me to find ways around how my brain is wired, and she has been very supportive.

This phone is the best!

I am really enjoying my new phone, the one written about just below here. It has all the things that I want in a phone, with the possibility to be upgraded by my own programs. It is not locked into only what T-Mobile, or even Google wants, because of the very nature of the system. Hopefully other vendors will enable their own phones using this platform, and it will only get better support and more programs available as time goes forward. Below is a movie about a little scanner program that is really cool for finding prices as you shop. Although I happen to prefer the competitor program, it does basically the same thing as shown.