This is a question that I have been thinking about for a long time. I've told people that I have Asperger's and they ask me what that is, and I have been at a loss as to what I should say. According to doctors it is a "disorder" that affects the ability to learn basic skills, especially social skills. It is true that there are social difficulties, but we also have strengths that others don't.
But what makes me different from those considered Neuro-Typical (NT)? It isn't that we don't have the same innate tendencies that allow other people to learn these things. It isn't that our brains don't have the same capacity to pick up on the stimuli. The difference is much simpler than that. My first clue as to the true nature came with watching the movie Temple Grandin about a woman with Autism. I realized that she thinks exactly like I do, except that it is more extreme for her and harder to control. I realized that what I really have is Autism. They differentiate between Asperger's and Autism, and many people would disagree with me, but they are just different levels of the same thing. The thing that really stuck out to me was that she explained that she thinks in still pictures. I knew that this was somehow important.
Now it isn't true that we all think necessarily in pictures. I sometimes think in feelings. Others may think in music or words or something like that. I know that I have thought in all of those things. It is easier to understand with pictures, however, so that is what I will explain. NT's see things more as a movie, able to continuously view everything happening, and switching processing between all the different stimuli. They take all this in and process it together and remember the things important to them. People with Autism can only process one thing at a time. Not only one thing, but one frame of the movie at a time. We don't see all of the things at once, only the thing we are currently focused on. We also miss quite a bit of the movement as we might only get one frame per second, instead of thirty to sixty that a movie would normally have. That thought has to repeat in our heads a few times so that we can process it. It makes it so we have very good rote memories. We remember those things as we keep the neurons firing for longer. But we either miss the other stimuli, or it overwhelms us. The real problem here seems to be switching between stimuli. We can't switch fast enough to process different things.
Actually, we can switch quickly between things, but no useful processing happens. We just get frustrated and are unable to make sense of things. This may lead to outbursts of anger, or we may totally withdraw and be almost unable to speak. Many times we have no idea why we feel this way, as the emotion just adds another stimulus to deal with. It tends to engulf us. Sometimes neutral stimuli can help, like spinning. You can't focus much on other things when you are really dizzy. It helps to gain focus back again and leave behind the confusing raucous that is life.
NT's seem to be able to switch fast enough between different things to process them all enough to make quick decisions based on a lot of little things. This can lead to quick judgments and the ability to understand and emulate normal social behavior. That's not to say we can't also make decision based on a lot of things, however we usually take longer to ponder all the consequences. This can be a good thing, as I think we tend to make fairly well informed decisions. However it can make us look uncaring in an emergency, or unable to cope with stresses that we aren't prepared for. We may tend to freeze up in certain circumstances, or behave completely inappropriately.
An example with faces. Humans by nature recognize faces, they focus on faces. They see tiny differences. People can naturally tell when a face is computer generated. People with Autism naturally see all these facial differences as well. In the context of live communication this is overwhelming. We can't process everything at once. It makes it difficult to look someone in the face. We can over long periods of time learn to ignore other things than what is being said, but we then tend to miss all the non verbal ques as we have learned to ignore the innate ability to understand this non verbal communication. With practice, we can learn to understand more over time as well. This only happens when it no longer takes processing, but becomes habit, like walking or breathing. I don't need to focus on walking on a flat surface, or eating, and can turn my processing power to something else. The problem is that since the natural instinct has been ignored for so long it must be actively cultivated, and we don't really know where to start, or why we act different. We need to learn the basics that others take for granted.
Over time we learn to cope with this difficulty as we have very good memories and can plan ahead. I am able to have fairly normal conversations because I have snippets saved over the many years of how to respond to a certain type of comment. If I run into something new I usually end up pausing for longer than normal and have been called on it. Most people have no idea that I have Asperger's. When I tell them that I am an aspie, I have been told that they would never have expected that. I have also heard that people see how that makes sense, and that was why I was a little strange.
Asperger's is something that makes me who I am. Without it I may have just been an average person. Would that have been a bad thing? I don't know. I probably would never have been a programmer, because I wouldn't have had the single focus necessary to learn the basics. As it is, I am usually considered fairly intelligent. I am very good at solving problems at work, especially computer related. I can take the time to focus on something until I find the solution. I have a full time job, a wife and four children. I have weaknesses as well, but so does everyone. Without my struggles I wouldn't have found some of my strengths. We all need a little weakness to learn humility. I think my life has turned out beautifully, and I'm not sure that I would change anything.
