This is the story of how the gospel saved me. I learned some important lessons of how God works with His children. I hope this story might be able to give others hope. This is a story about depression. There are many resources available now to help with this disease, and people should seek those out if they are going through this.
It happened quite a few years ago when I was in 9th grade. I was a quiet boy and was going to Churchill Junior High. I had previously been at Albion Middle School and had not had a great experience, so I had transferred to Churchill to start at a new school. I decided to take choir, computer programming, Honors biology and the other standard classes. The year began with hope, but I didn't end up making many friends. The only people that would hang out with me were a couple of kids that liked to sit in the library and poke fun at life. They weren't the best influence, but they didn't judge me and I didn't judge them. Eventually we drifted apart as they didn't really seem to mind failing classes while I did actually complete my homework and generally got good grades. I suppose it was mostly habit for me by this time. And of course my parents asking me about homework all the time.
After going through the first half of the year and running into some difficulty in my social studies class and still having no friends I started into a time of depression. Things became harder and harder to care about. I didn't really talk to the kids in church as they all went to Albion, and I didn't know how to talk to the kids at school. I never really showed much emotion as I found out later that I have autism. At the time I didn't really know how to fit in with people.
Eventually the pain set in. I kept following my routine, but I hurt constantly. It wasn't anything specific, but just my chest mostly. Nothing really felt good anymore. I started to get the idea that it would be so much easier to just end my life.
I tried to get some help by talking to the kids at school. I tried to talk to a couple that seemed popular and decent people that I felt really depressed and wanted to kill myself. They looked at me with wide eyes for a minute and mumbled something under their breath that sounded like they just didn't know what to do with that information. Nothing happened from that.
I don't really remember telling my parents about it. I may have told them I didn't feel good, but I wasn't really sick so they would send me to school. I didn't think that they would be able to help me. I knew that they loved me, and if that didn't help, then what else could they do? (This was foolishness on my part. Now there are many more resources for parents, and kids should talk to their parents if they have these thoughts.) I didn't really have anyone else that I trusted.
Of course I prayed for relief. Constantly. It didn't really seem to help much. Why couldn't I find any relief?
I wanted to kill myself to get the relief that I craved, but one thought kept coming back to me. I knew that murder was the worst sin, and killing yourself was still a form of murder. I had heard that if you kill yourself you can never have forgiveness. Even though I don't currently believe that this is exactly true, it is what I thought at the time. I worried that if I killed myself I could feel this pain for eternity, and I couldn't bear that thought.
Even though I worried that the pain would continue, I also kept having the thought that the pain wouldn't continue if I ended things. I finally came to a crossroads of decision.
I prayed and asked again for relief. I promised God that I would not kill myself, no matter how long this continued or how bad it got. I promised that I would trust him.
Soon afterwards, things got worse. The end of the year was approaching, and in my computer science class we had a project that was due. My partner didn't do a lot to help, he mostly spent his time over with other kids. He tended to call me Bob instead of my real name.
As soon as I finished the project and turned it in, he told me that I was an idiot and that he was just using me to complete the project. He said that he hated me and was glad that he wouldn't have to pretend to be nice to me anymore.
After this encounter I felt even worse. The pain was worse than even. I prayed again and promised that I would still trust God to help me in his own time.
My next class was seminary. The seminary building was separate and required a 5 minute walk across the school field. As I trudged across the field a girl came up and started talking to me. This had never happened before. For five minutes my load was lightened. I actually felt a bit better. There actually were nice people in the world.
I looked for her again the next day, and we spoke again. We would talk every day before seminary, and I looked forward to that time more than anything. She was an angel in my life.
The pain still remained with me most of the time. But I finally felt hope now. I finally felt that God was listening. I prayed for relief and tried to be the best person that I could muster, which was mostly just following my routine of going to school and going home. Going to church on Sunday. Probably playing video games on Saturday.
In my deacon's quorum at church they decided to change the presidency. I was asked to be the second counselor in the presidency of the 12-14 year old group. I of course agreed.
When the day came to be set apart and blessed it felt like any other Sunday. I still felt the constant pain and sadness inside of me. This Sunday I was to be set apart for my new calling and given a blessing. Brother Johnson was the man assigned to put his hands on my head and bless me. I don't remember much of his blessing for me except for one sentence. As he was blessing me he told me "God loves you." We are told this all of the time by our teachers and leaders and in the scriptures. But this time it was different. This time when he said that phrase my whole body was filled with light. I knew that it was true. This knowledge immediately banished the pain and sadness.
I could feel joy again! I knew that God listened to my prayers. I have never fallen into such a depression again. I later studied the brain and how depression affects it and can only ascribe this to a miracle. There is no scientific evidence that depression can be ended like that. Depression takes months and years to overcome with medication and counseling. My depression was ended in an instant. It didn't come without difficulty and struggle, but it did come.
I learned that to gain a blessing from God we have to accept His timeline. We have to be patient and trust. I learned that he will let circumstances push us to our breaking point, but that is where he will catch us as long as we continue to trust in Him. I learned that He loves His children. We are here on Earth to learn and grow, and it is hard for us to do that without trials. But He doesn't leave us alone, there is always hope.
